beautiful catastrophe

I am better
I am more beautiful than I used to be
I have doubt swarming in my mind about what is beautiful to me
Mixed emotions of plans for the future
How can a human being become so cruel?
How can cruelty from another human being be my fault?
I doubt my sanity as I try to write
Nothing makes sense
In my beautiful mind
How can I live without love?
Without any love
How can I forgive when the wounds are so deep?
I was deeply in love with a man that did not love me
How can that be?
I can live now without him
And forgive for the heart ache
Because mostly it is my heart
At least it isn't my mind
I still  have my beautiful mind
I can not live without love
For myself
From another
Maybe someday that will have a chance
To become so
I am still aching in my heart
I am still feeling the pain of what could have been so
What is wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
How can I become something for any man?
I want to know!!!
How can I be so bad?
What did I do to deserve the hand I have been dealt?
I need to know!!!
I am sick with loneliness in my beautiful mind
Knowing I am beautiful and strong
Yet feeling so terribly beautifully weak.