why?

If one feels that the treasons of wall street are so great,
How can one not become enraged?
If their home has been taken and their livelihood shattered,
Their children's lives altered negatively,
How can one not become saddened by the state of affairs?
Right now there is an undefined movement,
Created doubt where the media has left a void,
People see the occupy wall street as a joke,
Conservatives reduce its meaning to a laughing matter and yet still thousands join the movement,
Why is it OK that home loans became an instrument for a certain few to get rich by way of deceit and predatory tactics?
It is not OK but what is to be done?
How can a few little people, strained by a new society different than that of their ancestors,
become the instrument for change?
I do not have the answer.
It is complex, deep, secluded from the movement because there is so much to bitch about that it is hard to find just one thing!
It is hard for me to reduce the Occupy Wall St as a joke that deserves conservative analysis, mindless detached analysis,
It is small now, scattered people, scattered ideas trying to find a conclusion,
Trying to find a meaning, maybe also trying to just find an answer,
Maybe it is the greed of the wealthiest citizens of this nation that take and take from the bucket,
and do not give,
They give corporate galas, fundraisers, parties, museum donations, charity auctions and charity fundraisers,
Yet the real problems require intense Action, such as the reform of the education system,
The reform of the government as a whole to separate it from the control of corporations,
Caution is not a factor, tolerance has been tolerated for too long.

thinking

The last couple of years have been really eye opening for me. I have noticed so much that I almost wish I could just drop everything I have been working on for 6 years and move onto a different stage in my life. I feel incomplte not doing more. More with myself. I feel I have a greater purpose. I know I have a purpose as a mother and a sister and daughter granddaughter and all that but I am talking about the greater purpose that describes people's lives that did more and made the world notice things they never would have noticed before. I have been frustrated by the same issues Occupy Wall Street is frustrated with but now frustration has turned to anger and anger to rage, and rage to pure disobedience to every norm we are taught to follow. There has not been an uprising in this nation since who knows when. I even tried to just look it up and all I got on Google was results of Arab Spring and the protests in Libya, Egypt, Syria and so forth. Pretty interesting huh?? I put in when was the last uprising in US History and those are the results I got. Oh and slave uprising was another result.
This country has always been for the rich if you think about it. The working poor have been fighting against rules and laws that oppress them for hundreds of years but that is not even unique at all to the United States. Great Britian, now United Kingdom, France, everywhere, Europe, Africa, and Asia, all over the world. The United States ranks 24th out of 30 industrialized nations in our students academic skills. 37th ranking in our health care system, link below:
http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMp0910064
The very entity, which is education, that will ensure the progress of our nation in every way is the very entity that will be gripped by corporate greed. Instead of our schools being run by school districts, corporations will come in and make our schools run by businesses then in turn that will create more poverty because when a corporation runs an institution, nothing is free so they will start charging us for every little thing we need to ensure our child is educated. There is an issue in every single inner city school in this nation and that is the lack of commitment and lack of dealing with the issues outside of the school that will ensure that it stay in the condition that it is in. Lack of decent teachers, lack of funding, lack of parental involvement, lack of commitment from staff and administrators, the list goes on and on.
Every institution serves a purpose, and I believe the idea of these institutions in this nation were invented to serve one population and one population only. That is the wealthy, white-European, population. It has always been that way. There have been presidents whom came from a modest background and Senators who are completely dedicated to their job as a representative of their country and their community but corporate involvement economically and fundamentally in the government is the core of the problem in our modern day.

us

clashing
indignant
relative to time and space
That is how I feel.

Ripping
shredding
That is what I wish you would feel so I can pass the hurt.

Suffering
Forgiveness
You will have one day
For yourself
For making us this way.

skin is skin

Skin is skin,

Not a thought, feeling or belief

Skin is skin, 

not a smile, or a frown or a laugh

Skin is skin

Not intelligence, or genetics

skin is outer proof of ones existence,

not the makings of their inner soul. 

By ShayLa Wadsworth

human connection

I can trace what is real in my mind,

Through the lines I see things,

I can feel softness and patience

Beneath the disorderly brain,

I can see a need for affection,

Hidden beneath all the disorderly thoughts,

I get a certain feeling,

When I trace the lines of your face with my eyes,

Quickly before turning, Away,

I can bring out truth in eyes, 

Even though I have only seen them

Although I fear being alone

I do not fear being left because human connection

Is constant,

Human connection and evolution is constant,

Whether it be love or something more or less

I can feel the softness and patience start to come back

As I be myself and what I am,

Because sometimes those can be two different experiences.

Corporate Slaughter!

Is the world apprehensive?

To accept the new order,

Where citizens do not stand back and take the corporate slaughter

that our parents were accepting,

They bought and bought and bought,

No questions asked,

Times were good,

So they could buy what they wanted,

borrow, borrow, borrow,

no consequences,

until now

our parents made this world materialistic,

truly not knowing what was to come,

They did not know that our economy is/was an onslaught of failure,

Or that it would become so,

Did they?

Is the world going to see this and open their eyes?

You educated us all!!

now we are told to close our eyes?

Shame on your corporate government!

Shame on your fake lobbyists!,

Your business allies.

wounds

wounds do not have to be made in the flesh,
 sometimes they can be made in the heart,
in the soul,

wounds can be made by ourselves

or they can be made by others words and actions,

wounds, bleeding, open, sore,

swim throughout

slithering into my mind, to remind me that I am human

wounds can be made by sadness

and can be made by memories

Even if the one with the knife doesn't see the blood.

Back to Being Awesome Me

I am not sad

Because I am beautiful

I am not hurt

Because I am strong

I am not standing still

Because I have to move

I am not giving in because you chose to leave

I am still me

I am still awesome without you,

I was less than awesome with you

I feel good

Because I am back to being awesome me

Back to caring about that which I see

Back to witty sarcasim

Back to funny me

I am back to give my all to what I believe.

I Don't Need a Man to Catch Me

I don't need a man to catch me 

I need a man to love me

I don't need a man to control me

I need him to step back and let me be me

I don't need a man to tell me how it is

I need him to listen to my ideas 

I don't need a man to see me as a weak woman 

I need him to know I am strong

I don't need a man to connect with me through his body

I need him to connect with me through his words

I don't need a man to talk the talk

I need him to walk the walk with me

I don't need a man to want me to be different

I need a man to love me for my unique differences

That are separate from his.

pinpoint

I can sift through the day

and pin point the exact moment when I realized

that I put my heart into places where it becomes weak

I can tell you how much I noticed 

That I do it to myself

I can figure out exactly which moment was the moment

But I can't change outcomes

I can tell you how I do it and why

But I can't stop

I can think of that time when I realized 

That I become too knowledgeable of these exact moments and 

I really wish I could stop myself from hurting my own heart.

New Beginning

 After tomorrow I can begin again. I can walk into court with my head held high and know that I am a good person and that I am doing the right thing. There is no doubt in my mind that eventually he would seep back into my life if I don't do this. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. I get to walk in there and let both of them see that I am a real woman! I am no perfect woman but atleast I live in reality. At least I know the truth within myself and anything else does not matter. I know that if this isn't done and if I don't exert my power then I will always regret it. I will always feel someone, a man, overpowered me. There were good points to our relationship but the bad definitely overpowered the good. All the good memories I will choose to cherish and I will forgive and forget the bad. 

     It is hard to let go sometimes and it is amazing that even after all the bad it is still hard. It just shows my deeper issues. It shows that I have to love myself! No woman should ever feel secure with a man who does not respect her. No woman should ever feel secure with a man that acts as if he loves her but then his actions speak completely different than his words. I won't go into the bad because it is pointless and ridiculous to keep dwelling on anything except my and my daughters future. Now we can live the life we want. I can not be a housewife. I have discovered this. I can not be with a man who is unhappy deep inside because I feel too deeply and I feel other people's negativity within myself. I take in other people's worries, troubles, and negativity and I carry it. That is not good. At some point I have to be able to carry my own feelings in a healthy way! I have to be mentally and physically healthy to accomplish my goals. 

     I need to have more passion for my own life. I have passion for things outside my life and it takes from my life. Meaning things like politics, and social issues. This new beginning is something that has been a long time coming. Seems like I am always reinventing myself. I get comfortable and then a reinvention is in order. Even if that comfortable place is truly and deeply not a good place. 

     My ability to become comfortable in a sad place is an aspect of my personality that is not good. I became accustomed to tramatic experiences and that has transformed my life as a adult into a state of being that makes me the constant victim, and it makes me constantly expecting bad situations to come my way. At least I know this! At least I am smart enought to be able to sort my feelings and thoughts and come to a place of clarity. That is a great aspect of my personality: The fact that I can go within myself to figure things out. I use my feelings to dictate my life but this is not always a bad thing because it provides me with the awesome ability of self reflection, which is a great ability to have. 

is it me?

am I the reason for failing love?
is it me that dooms it to failure?
with fantasy and delusions of transforming the love into what I want
I am not sure
But I know that honestly
I think it's me.

I know I am clumsy
I know I am emotional
But can't I be those things without feeling guilty for being myself
Am I the reason they are doomed?

Shadows creep up from my past
I think about what I have done
and this must be payback
secret payback for my destructive choices
It must be me because no matter if it was good or bad
It always ends and I am left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart!

beautiful catastrophe

I am better
I am more beautiful than I used to be
I have doubt swarming in my mind about what is beautiful to me
Mixed emotions of plans for the future
How can a human being become so cruel?
How can cruelty from another human being be my fault?
I doubt my sanity as I try to write
Nothing makes sense
In my beautiful mind
How can I live without love?
Without any love
How can I forgive when the wounds are so deep?
I was deeply in love with a man that did not love me
How can that be?
I can live now without him
And forgive for the heart ache
Because mostly it is my heart
At least it isn't my mind
I still  have my beautiful mind
I can not live without love
For myself
From another
Maybe someday that will have a chance
To become so
I am still aching in my heart
I am still feeling the pain of what could have been so
What is wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
How can I become something for any man?
I want to know!!!
How can I be so bad?
What did I do to deserve the hand I have been dealt?
I need to know!!!
I am sick with loneliness in my beautiful mind
Knowing I am beautiful and strong
Yet feeling so terribly beautifully weak.

you tell me

I am lonely,
deep in my mind I am alive
I am desperate
yet deep inside I am strong
Causes of falling self worth
Create a carnival of negativity in my body
The thoughts are doing tight rope walks,
The feelings are laughing like a clown
Knowing they control me
my mind is like the ringmaster playing the strengths of each performer
my heart hurts for some type of love
any type that will make me better,
the problem is this,
waiting for the better to come while accepting what is not good enough.,
what can I do better?
How can I change?
<My mind tells me I can't
It tells me that I am wrong and I can't change
three ring circus of mind control
keeps me stuck in a path of that I can't begin to understand.

stuck

my heart has been stuck
in between what will be and what is not
I always endear those who do not love me or care for me
I always become strangled by hope that does not exist
Deepening wounds get deeper
Each day that I go on like this
Each day that I don't like myself
Brings another day of a negative life
my mind has been stuck
right here where I am psychologically
it does not get better only becomes saddened within me even more
I know what causes this hurt within myself
The losing of my self and identity when I was young
I was in need of guidance and scared to ask for help
I know that help is in me now
Each day that I prosper in thought
I can become different but still be me
my soul is parched, feeling lonely
strangling and starving
Decimated hope exists in my brain
The one who left I thought would fight for me
The idea I had was enough to keep me stuck
I know life is what we make it, but what if it is what makes us.

I can't be silenced

I am constantly growing,
improving myself,
through self reflection and thought,
through knowing I can do more than you thought,

I will survive without you,
I will be better than you ever knew I could be
You have no control over my life.

I will become more than you ever doubted,
More than you are now,
I doubt myself sometimes and then I realize that
You were the only one who doubted me!
and now I do it to myself.

Given the chance,
I know I can go beyond these borders I have created for myself in my own life,
We create barriers for ourselves,
when other people voice that we can't do it we doubt our own capabilities,
Not now!

You tried to silence me and make me something I am not,
I think you forgot that I can't be quieted,
my mind and conscious will always break through.

me and what I want!!!-no more happily accepting that which makes me miserable!!

If I could build the perfect man this is what I would require:

open minded,
Open to change in the world,
Open to learning new things about me everyday,
No jealousy because if you love someone you have to trust them,
I would require that he is sincere and honest with his feelings,
I would require that he love me in every sense of the word!
Not just when he is about to have sex,
I want to know I am loved, even without us having to say it,
I want to be able to write poetry without remorse or guilt,
They are my feelings and whether or not he agrees they are real,
I would expect him to expect nothing of me other than what I do,

Let me rephrase a bit,
I expect someone to be who they are and to accept me for who I am,
He is compassionate without expectation,
He knows his feelings and does not just make them up to agree with me!

 this type of person would be for me,

One who loves those around him compassionately,
as well as me,
If love starts to fade between is do not try to push me away,
Be honest and open with what you have to say,
If I am too much sometimes I am sorry it is just the way I am,
He would have to unconditionally accept my love and how I choose to love,
Which is wholeheartedly and inconveniently,
My life is not convenient nor is it nice and unaffected by the world,
I am affected by the world,
I am sensitive and open,
Vulnerable and good,
I do not expect my man to be as passionate as me by an means,
Just need him to know that I am affected and emotional!

I live my life through feeling and thought,
I live my life for passion and intimacy through my feelings,
That is just how I am,
All I ask any man is that they just accept me for this,

when I am unable to express myself I close up,
when I am unable to show my feelings or feel like my feelings are a burden I will close up,
I will not accept a man anymore whom does not accept me for how I am! which is clumsy, emotional, over-dramatic at times, smart, passionate, loving, and naive to love, I always view it from a perspective of newness and indulgence,
I never look at it as old,
I never see love as anything but what it is,
It cannot be explained through a relationship, if the love is there than it is just felt, never needing to be explained.

hard

I think that being positive makes things easier,

Then some other incident just sets me back again,

I have to rely on other people, I thought those days were over,


I thought that life would get easier not being with him,

But maybe I kept him around because he always took care of stuff,

I don't care what anyone says,

Life is freakin hard,

It is hard to be good, positive in a world where so much is thrown on us,

It is hard to know what the right way is.

the human feeling

I feel that connections come from unaware circumstance,

Humans are humans,

and the most we can expect is to make a connection,

somewhere somehow,

with anybody,

I feel deeper connections with things that people look at as mundane or do not matter,

I feel a connection with passion for oneself,

Passion for the next man,

who may have it better than you,

He may have it worse than you but he is human too,

I feel passion for the deeper connections,

That humans experience,

It could be the embrace or a single feeling,

It could be what you see or how you hear what the next human has to say,

Bodily connections only come with the combining of minds through thought and emotion,

Feeling alone or together depends on the human connections around you,

Someday when I fall in love again,

I want a connection that is not only physical but it is human,

It involves caring and becoming the caretaker of another persons inhibitions because no matter how much we control ourselves,

Our human inhibitions make us fear what we want the most,

In love I will no longer be the only one willing to lay my heart out on the line,

Love is not a disappearing act,

Sex might be but love is a connection that even lives on in peoples minds after the physical part is gone,

That is why I take care for the human heart, the human feeling, the human thought, becoming the reasons for another persons thoughts and feelings,

Depend on their connections and how sound they are,

How can human beings possibly know who they are meant to be with?

I think everyone is just searching for that person who is going to be their genuine human connection,

yet sometimes when people fail at that they become sworn to a conscious of misery which they feel cannot be aided by anything other than a deeper human existence that is inside ourselves and we don't even know it yet.

keep your distance from me
I can flip at any moment
You think you have it all now
Just wait because I thought the same thing,

You think now that he is going to be your night in shining armor
For now he is
For now he is is buying your kids gifts
Taking them places so they'll like him.

But soon he will flip on you
Soon he will realize you are not me
and he will never be the same
I am strong but because of his love I lost myself for a while.

Now I am back and stronger
I have seen what poison love can do
I have seen the moment when it goes from love to hate with my own eyes
I know how to let go.

I am not hiding my sadness
I wear it on my sleeve
You both can have your drugs
You both can have your lust
What will you do when he realizes you are not me?

He won't try to come back he will just shut down
He will wonder if I still taste the same
Do I still say his name the same
He imagines you are me but I am not weak enough to let him besiege me.

I am not weak, nor stupid, nor blind
I know what I need and it is not his lies
You can have the anger
You can have what is left of him.

     You can play with my emotions, Guess what? It only makes me a stronger more confident, more knowing woman. I know now that I do not need to be someone else to make a man happy. If he was happy and loved me I would not have to change at all. He would want me the way I am. No man stays with a woman just for one thing, such as sex, looks, there are other factors that get brought into the picture. I think attraction between people can begin at any moment. There does not have to be a set mood, the attraction is just there. Now lust and genuine sexual attraction are different in my opinion. The lust comes with physical sexual attraction, strictly look and feel not the inner feelings that exist with a genuine feeling of love.
     I know that I hold the key to my own happiness which lies deep within me somewhere between resentment, anger, and abandonment from childhood. As we get older we  think our mind will be clearer because we are older and old people can figure stuff out. I figured it out: No they can't! That is why none of us can. Because all people have ever done is the best they can do and in my opinion if a kid comes out of childhood without a single scratch than the parents did something wrong. Kids need real world experiences, not a forcibly manipulated reality where all the problems are laid neatly out in front of them. See get onto one topic it folds into another.

to be continued....

confusion

Life just brings confusion sometimes,
I think one thing is one thing,
And then it is something else,
Reality can be relative,
Reality can be unreal,
I wish that reality would be steady,
Like a steady river flowing or a steady gallop,
I wish the beat would make sense and the lyrics were intense and instrumental,
Life brings thoughts of something better,
Being low makes for room to grow,
and we all do it at one time or another,
Even thoughts are relative because sometimes they don't make sense,
Sometimes they intertwine and go into each other,
No distinguishing features, Now true blend,
The problems with my insecurity and emotional problems,
Makes it hard for me to stay focused,
Feelings are sometimes so intense that I rush to the next,
Without taking a breath!
Common sense seems to miss me,
Commonness is not me I guess,
Unconventional and uncommon!

walking alone

I fear my worst fears will come alive
Because I have to walk alone
I have no support from what matters
which is love
I was shoved aside
Put out when I didn't want out
I was forced out of love by your selfish wicked ways
now my love is gone
Lost somewhere
clinging to the past
like I am
but I will stop because no good comes out of dwelling on the past.

someday

I wish I could love
and feel no pain
I try to be positive, but the bad seeps in
I try to see good, for I know I am good
But I see the wrong things
And have no control.

I try to feel love
I thought I would find someone to love me
Yet I sit here alone
no one hear to see or hear me.

I am not down too much though
I know my day will come
the day when love shows itself
and stays
It will come when I stop yearning for it.

love and confusion

My heart is starting to heal,
The damage was not done by another,
But done by my inability to be alone,
The damage was done by me,
Not seeing what was in front of me,
My body feels less hurt,
Isn't is crazy how love can make you feel physical pain?
Why and how is that possible?
To feel love and when it goes away what is left in its wake is physical pain,
Physical exhaustion from love, jealousy, anger,
That can't be love?
Love is not anger, or is it? Love is not jealousy, or is it?
Love is all that and more,
I wish I knew so I could remember if it was love or not?
I think about it and become more confused!
Is love negative or positive?
Is it the way you feel or how another feels?
That describes the love,
Someday I will feel real love so I will know if this was real or not.