After tomorrow I can begin again. I can walk into court with my head held high and know that I am a good person and that I am doing the right thing. There is no doubt in my mind that eventually he would seep back into my life if I don't do this. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. I get to walk in there and let both of them see that I am a real woman! I am no perfect woman but atleast I live in reality. At least I know the truth within myself and anything else does not matter. I know that if this isn't done and if I don't exert my power then I will always regret it. I will always feel someone, a man, overpowered me. There were good points to our relationship but the bad definitely overpowered the good. All the good memories I will choose to cherish and I will forgive and forget the bad.
It is hard to let go sometimes and it is amazing that even after all the bad it is still hard. It just shows my deeper issues. It shows that I have to love myself! No woman should ever feel secure with a man who does not respect her. No woman should ever feel secure with a man that acts as if he loves her but then his actions speak completely different than his words. I won't go into the bad because it is pointless and ridiculous to keep dwelling on anything except my and my daughters future. Now we can live the life we want. I can not be a housewife. I have discovered this. I can not be with a man who is unhappy deep inside because I feel too deeply and I feel other people's negativity within myself. I take in other people's worries, troubles, and negativity and I carry it. That is not good. At some point I have to be able to carry my own feelings in a healthy way! I have to be mentally and physically healthy to accomplish my goals.
I need to have more passion for my own life. I have passion for things outside my life and it takes from my life. Meaning things like politics, and social issues. This new beginning is something that has been a long time coming. Seems like I am always reinventing myself. I get comfortable and then a reinvention is in order. Even if that comfortable place is truly and deeply not a good place.
My ability to become comfortable in a sad place is an aspect of my personality that is not good. I became accustomed to tramatic experiences and that has transformed my life as a adult into a state of being that makes me the constant victim, and it makes me constantly expecting bad situations to come my way. At least I know this! At least I am smart enought to be able to sort my feelings and thoughts and come to a place of clarity. That is a great aspect of my personality: The fact that I can go within myself to figure things out. I use my feelings to dictate my life but this is not always a bad thing because it provides me with the awesome ability of self reflection, which is a great ability to have.
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